One day in Te Papa’s 5th floor ‘Art Studio’

Curator 1: OMG! Have you seen the AMAZING drawings that visitors are doing on the fifth floor?

Curator 2: Aren’t they incredible…like it’s WAY BEYOND DRAWING ... it’s…it’s… art drawing.

C1: Totally.  I mean there’s nothing wrong with our Goyas, like he can draw and all, but have you seen Robert of Tawa’s Self Portrait??

C3:  Humbling. Talk about mastery of the pencil.

C2: And how about Ruth of Island Bay’s awesome drawing of a hand. It was so lifelike a fly landed on it.

C1: Up yours Durer (they all laugh)

C2: Now we need to get them out there. The public are gagging for drawings they can get really excited about.

C1: And who’s the best to make that sort of magic happen? Curators. And what are we? 

C2 and C3: (as one voice) CURATORS!

C1: OK then, so let’s curate. Give the public a taste of some real creativity.

C3: We could theme them – I’ve always wanted to do that. Like, you know, portraits, landscapes, animals.... 

C2: That's inspired

C1: And let’s go all digital on it. Stick the best of the best at the top of the Te Papa Home page so everyone can see what great creative drawing is all about.

C2: Are we even allowed to do that?

They were. So that is what they did.

One day in the Mayor’s office

Mayor: I’m lovin’ the way Hamilton keeps putting up statues of stuff. Soldjers, cattle, naval commanders, all sorts of shit.

Councillor: Indeed. It is becoming the bronze capital of New Zealand.

M: I want us to get in on some of that bronze action. We need a big local name to celebrate, someone we can bronze up and put in a park somewhere.

C: Turn Kurow into one of those cultural capital things?

M: That’s the spirit. Who’ve we got, famous-wise?

C: There’s that Wilson family who had the kid that won New Zealand has Talent.

M: drugs.

C: I’ve got it. McAwsome!

M: Ritchie? Oh, I don’t know. He’s a big fellah … take a lot of bronze … expensive..

C: Not if we use the lost wax process.

M: True enough.

C: We could get that guy Patterson to do it, he’s a civic sculpture whizz kid.

M: Whatever. First thing we need to sell the idea.

C: We could get a maquette made

M: What, show them a tent?

C: No, not a marquee, a little version of what we’ve got in mind made out of butter or something.

M: You mean a tiny statue of Ritchie we could show people and say ‘look, it’s only small, it won’t cost hardly anything’?

C: Yeah, a conceptual model.

And that is what they did

One day in a meeting of two very old curators

Curator 1: I’m incredibly depressed

Curator 2: You mustn’t let HUO’s publishing programme get you down

C1: No it’s not that…

C2: Is it wanting to jump off a bridge now that all the exhibitions are being curated by artists?

C1: What do you mean curated?

C2: Just kidding, I meant assembled

C1: No, I miss the Golden Section

C2: You mean the VIP lounge at the Basel Art Fair?
  
C1: No, that Fibonacci thing that showed how some things are simply perfect

C2: Like Larry Gagosian’s hair?

C1: I’m not so sure about that, but I do remember a time when all art was kind-of-perfect-in-a-golden-section-sort-of-way

C2: If we could only buy some sort of tool that would show how to find the golden whatever we might even get to do more exhibitions

C1: You mean a hand-held sort of thing?

C2: Is that even possible?

It was, so that is what they did

Image: Golden Section Finder, a pocket sized view finder used to observe the golden ratio. You can buy one for $US10.00 here at Areaware.

One day in the editorial offices of OTN

Publisher: Our readers are crying out for more juicy behind-the-scenes stories and scandals. They want to be in on the inside.
 
Senior Editor: We can do that for them. That’s the OTN way.
 
Junior Editor: I’ve got a great piece on a sex scandal that’s rocking one of our big art museums...
 
Publisher: I have a conflict of interest there so, forget it.
 
Features Editor: We could run that story on directors and their plastic surgery mishaps. The photos are amazing.
 
Illustrations Editor: No, no those close-ups will just put people off.
 
Senior Editor: Well we have to post something!
 
Junior Features Writer: How about doing a compilation of our ‘One day in the…’ features?
 
Senior Editor: Haven’t we done that before?
 
Senior Researcher: Well, kind of, but not for a few years.
 
Production Manager: Do you think we’ll get away with it?

They did.


One day in the...
Hamilton council offices
Art Museum Director’s office
Surfboard development office
Architect’s office
Len Lye Trust boardroom
Tattoo studio
Brajolena mansion
Auction house director's office
Director’s office
Cake shop
Dominion Post’s offices
Te Papa Press
The kitchen
TV studio
Offices of J C Crew
Publisher’s office
Offices of Dr Seuss Enterprises
TV studio
Japanese sex toy manufacturers office
Minister’s office
Marketing Department

One day in Hamilton

Number One:  I’m not at all happy with the Waikato Museum.
 
Number Two: Me neither.
 
NO: It’s all very well them storing and showing stuff of historical, scientific, artistic, or cultural interest but, as Gertrude Steam said 'you can be a modem or be a museum, but you can’t be both.'
 
NT: Classic Steam....
 
NO: Thing is, it’s all digital now
 
NT: Ones and zeros ....
 
NO: Visitors want to be entertained.
 
NT: Absolutely.
 
NO: And frankly the word museum doesn't capture the diversity of the venue's collections or the role it plays in the arts community.
 
NT: No capture at all. None… an absence of capture even
 
NO: So what we need to do is something really radical.
 
NT: We could give them more money. Their budget has been frozen for the last five years and ....
 
NO: Don’t be ridiculous.
 
NT: ....or we could give them less money, of course.
 
NO: No. I want something radical, something that will transform the paradigm.
 
NT: We could get rid of that interactive science place. The Jackson Pollock painting game’s a bit tired … not very exiting … (laughs to himself)
 
NO: Hmmmm (thinks hard) …radical… rad-i-cal… (thinks harder). I know! We’ll change the name.
 
And that is what they are going to do.

One day in the art museum director’s office

Director: We need new ways of making money…I mean attracting more visitors.

Curator: I’ve had a few thoughts.

D: So what do marketing have to say?

Marketing Manager: It’s a two ‘I’s situation. We need to pull our audience from Independent to Dependent.

D: Don’t you mean to Interdependent?

MM: Exactly, the two Is. We also need to move from demand to participate.

C: I have a few ideas.

D: So how do we do this participation thing?

MM: Living art. It's the way to go. It’s the two ‘P’s - Placing the punters in the picture.

D: Isn’t that three Ps?

C: I have a couple of ideas.

D: I suppose 'Placing' doesn’t really count …so yes I get it…two Ps…clever. Now how do we do it?

MM: We build a famous painting in three dimensions and let people live in it.

C: That’s a completely stupid idea.

D: I hear what you say but we’re trying to be positive here…. Blue skies ....

MM: No, no it’s OK. ‘In the realm of ideas everything depends on enthusiasm’. Cookie Lyon said that. Empire, season one.

C: (sarcastically) So did Goethe. Late eighteenth century.

D: Sure, sure… but what painting do we build?

MM: Van Gogh’s bedroom.

D: Incredible. Awesome.

C: (even more sarcastically) Yeah, awesome… why don’t you put it on Airbnb?

And that is what they did.

One day in the surf board development office

Director 1: Have you noticed how many board riders are fascinated by medieval art?

Director 2: I have, it’s a global phenomenon.

D 1: And Bruegel, what’s it about Bruegel that so particularly interests the surfing set?

D2: I suspect it’s the way that he set out to create a kaleidoscope of genres so focused on communicating his intentions to his implied viewers.

D1: Could be, could be.

D2: Why do you ask?

D1: I thought we could do a Bruegel Board

And they did. (It was Hieronymus Bosch, but what the hell did they know?)

One day in the architect’s office

Developer: We need some sort of art work for the foyer.

Architect: Why?

D: To make the place look classy.

A: (chilly) Right.

D: I’m thinking abstract but with a figurative feel to it.

A: You’re not seriously thinking of putting something over the polished concrete? Tell me you didn’t say that.

D: Maybe some sort of hanging thing…. A chandelier could be good?

A: (thinking quickly) No way the beams would carry the weight.

D: Really?  OK, sculpture then.

A: Yes …. a … sculpture … might … be ok. What sort of sculpture do you have in mind?

D: David.

A: I thought we’d been through this, I’m Crispin. David is the (withering) Project Manager.

D: No, David the sculpture.

A: Michelangelo’s David?

D: Maybe…is his one big and white?

A: Yes. Too big unfortunately.

D: I was only thinking of the top half. We don’t want equipment issues with the older tenants. Oh, and no arms. Cleaning issues.

A: The top half of Michelangelo’s David with no arms.

D: On a plinth.

And that is what they did.

One day in the OTN editorial offices

Editor: Is that piece on the changing role of curators in the digital world ready for Saturday?

Features editor: No

Editor: Not to worry we’ll put up this Homer Simpson nail art tutorial video.

And they did

One day in the New Plymouth Art in Public Places Trust boardroom

Trustee 1: …and then it whistled through the air almost decapitating the… (looks up) … sorry, are we all here?

Trustee 2: (looks around and counts) Yes, we seem to be.

T1: Excellent. Well it’s that time again. Two years have passed and again we are required by our Deed to invent ... I mean reconstruct, another of Len’s works. Yes, another public sculpture.

(There’s a shuffling of feet and several averted eyes).

T2: Come on everyone. We had a huge success with the big noisy one that went up and down hitting that ball ...

T1: Yes, and the very long one that writhes across the floor is well on the way.

T2: Not to mention Water whirler in Wellington. (looks down at briefing notes) Oh sorry. I see it says not to mention -Water whirler.

T1: This time what we need is something more visually commanding. Something that's more than just one unique single thing on its own moving this way and that by itself in isolation.

T2: How about a whole lot of unique things? You know, more than one.

T1: Brilliant.

T2: Like how about we make a Quadrilogy version of Trilogy, or even a Septilogy…that’s seven of them.

T3: I’ve got it. A Wind wand farm.

(several heads turn)

T4: Do you think Len Lye would have ever done something like that?

T1: Definitely.

T3: It could be a whole cluster of Wind wands bobbing their heads in sprightly dance.

T1: Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. What are we talking. 50? A 100?

T3: I reckon we could easily do six, as long as they’re kind of small.

And that is what they did

LATER: Initially we thought it was the Len Lye Trust proposing this wacky idea. But reading the article again, who exactly is going to do this thing is a bit of a mystery. We are assuming the Len Lye Trust is in there somewhere, the City Council probably, maybe the Govett-Brewster - all jumping the shark together?

One day in the tattoo studio

Customer: Have you got time for me today?

Tattooist: Sure, take a seat. Whaddaya got in mind?

C: I was thinking Sistine Chapel Ceiling.

T: The whole thing?

C: Yeah, the touching hands, the Last Judgment.

T: I think you’re on the back wall now.

C: I don’t want walls.

T: So maybe you should think about something that’ll take a little less time, like less than ten years.

C: Fair enough. How about that one where eyes follow you round the room?

T: The Scream?

C: No, no. the older one. Lisa something.

T: You want the Mona Lisa?

C: Yeah. That one.

T: Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa?

C: Yeah.

T:: The painting by the Renaissance genius who was the greatest artist who has ever lived?

C: Yeah.

T: OK.

And he did.

One day at the Branjolina mansion

Potential Bride: Have you ever noticed how incredibly talented our children are?

Potential Groom: Do we have to do this marriage thing?

PB: (ignores him) I mean, the way they are so creative. Way beyond their years really…

PG: They’re only three, or four, or is the oldest one six? He certainly seems to be taller than the others.

PB (ignores him) Like, did you seen the drawings Maddox, Zahara, Knox and the others did today?

PG: Mind you the smallest one doesn’t seem to be growing at all. Or is it just the taller ones making him look small in comparison?

PB: (ignores him) It’s obvious they’re all going to be extremely important artists. Maddox is so sensitive, Knox is a born sculptor and god only knows what the others are capable of.

PG: Still, small, large, they’re all much of a muchness visually.

PB: (ignores him) And draw. They all draw like angels.

PG: Two eyes, a nose… that sort of thing.

PB: (ignores him) If only other parents were as lucky as we are to have that sort of creativity to tap into.

PG: And they all move pretty much the same way, one foot after the other.

PB: (ignores him) If only there was some way we could show their talent to the world.

PG: Arms swinging, that sort of thing.

PB: (ignores him) I know! I could get their drawings, their sweet little flowers, and animals and drums, embroidered on my wedding gown.

And that is what she did.

One day in the office of the auction house director

Director: Wow we are making so much money on contemporary art.

Head of art department: So much money.

D: I mean more money than I ever thought possible.

HA: So much more money.

D: But that’s not to say we shouldn’t make even more money. Is it?

HA: Not make even more money? That’s a horrible idea.

D: Absolutely and my gut says that more money would be a good thing.

HA: Can you even make too much money? Is that even possible?

D: So how are you going to do it?

HA: Me?

D: Yes. I want to make more money and you agreed with me. So what's your strategy?

HA: Bacon? Warhol? Richter?

D: No. I mean more money on top of all that money.

HA: I suppose we could get more people with money to give us… I mean spend more money with us.

D: That’s brilliant. How would we do it?

HA: Well, we could focus on people with money who don’t know anything about art and teach them how to spend that money on art.

D: How would that get us more money?

HA: They’d spend it at our auctions.

D: Nice, very nice. But do you think they'd fall for it?

HA: If we charged them a lot of money I think they would.

D: Then let’s do it.

And they did.

One day in the Directors office

Director: I’m getting a lot of pressure from up the line to increase attendances.
 
Curator:  More kids
 
Marketing: Kids
 
Education: Same
 
D: No, no we can’t go through the 80/20 barrier we need something else to get adults in.
 
C: A history show?
 
D: (ignores her) Any ideas?
 
E: Free beer on tap?
 
D: Budget
 
M: Food hall?
 
D: Not bad but a bit too nineties RA
 
C: How about drawing the crowds with an extreme artwork?
 
M: A what? (aside “you’ve got to be kidding me”)
 

D: (resigned) ok, ok let’s hear what you’ve got.
 
C: A collective that fill the gallery with condoms inflated with laughing gas and gets the audience to burst them with pins
 
D: Health and safety issues 

C: OK then, a guy who sands himself with an electric sander on behalf of a favourite charity inside the gallery
 
D: Not with the cleaners' strike we've got on he won't
 
C: A sniper shooting high velocity bullets across the gallery at unsuspecting visitors
 
D: A real sniper?
 
C: Sure, certified Navy SEAL
 
D: And the gun?
 
C: I’m thinking high-powered 30-caliber rifle. Maybe a Tactical 308
 
D: Let’s do it
 
M: I’m not so sure about the marketing angle
 
D: Huh?
 
M: You know …  um … people getting in the way of bullets .... collateral damage .... bodies.
 
D: (exasperated) Ok ok then. Shoot something else then

So they did.

(Thanks for the head's up C)

One day at the cake shop

Owner: Those Gerhard Richter cakes are slow out the door

Baker: Well don’t blame me…they started off as de Koonings. You were the one who insisted on the change

O: Well Richter is hot. A market leader

B: Sure, but smudgy cakes?

O: Yeah. Maybe we shoulda used one of those ones with all the little squares of colour

B: So where to from here? I'm liking Blinky Palermo

O: Enough with the Germans

B: German?....Blinky?

O: No. What we need is a smack-down combo, like an artist and an anniversary

B: Hey that's a great idea! How about the 39th anniversary of Joseph Beuys performing How to Explain Pictures to a Dead Hare?

O: Yes, like that but not a sculptor, not a German and without the hare

B: OK

O: Michelangelo. He’s having an anniversary. Perfect

B: A David cake? You want me to do extreme nude cakery?

O: No, no, I’m talking Michelangelo the painter and I know just the work for our next cake: the Sistine chapel ceiling.

B: I can’t make a cake of a painting that’s on a ceiling

But she did.

Image: Michelle Wibowo used over 10,000 marshmallows and more sprinkles than you'd see in a lifetime creating her one on one scale version of Michelangelo's 450 year old painting. More here

One day in the Dominion Post offices

Editor: This digital thing is getting out of hand. We need a big new marketing push

Marketing Director: You betcha.  But I do think our ‘First past the Post’ campaign was willfully misinterpreted

E: Time to move on. We need to promote things we're good at, things we excel in, things we believe to be true (he jots the phrase down for the next day’s editorial)

MD: You mean crime? Right?

E: No, no, I'm talking something fresh. We can't lead with crime all the time

MD: OK, sport. That's the way to go. We do pages and pages of sport

E: That's true but it’s not very classy, is it? I want classy

MD: I suppose news is out of the question? (pause) … how about  business! … (another pause)… no I guess not.

E: I've got it! The world. Now that’s a big topic that we do big things with. I’m thinking THE WORLD.

MD: Hmmm, but is it big enough? We really only give it a page, maybe two if there’s a crisisy…world war sort of thingy ....

E: (tightly) I’m getting slightly tired of this negativity. We need to think different. (a light bulb flashes above his head) Now there's a big idea. ART. We’ll feature ART. I’m told art is totally hot at the moment. We’ll feature ART…. we do have an art section .... don’t we?

MD: Um, I think so. We probably have an art critic…or did we get rid of him? No, I'm thinking we got him back

E: Then art it is. Lead with it. Put it above the crease. Make it the first thing they read and go with it.

And that is what they did.

One day in Te Papa Press

Publisher: It’s a great idea and a great manuscript but I’m not so sure about the title.

Editor: How do you mean?

P: Well…I don’t know… 99 Amazing Tales from Aotearoa. It feels like there's something missing.

E: I’ve got an idea.

P: What?

E: How about another amazing tale?

P: How do you mean?

E: Well, with another tale we could call it 100 Amazing Tales!

P: That's inspired. But do you have another tale?

E: As it happens I do. And it is the most incredible tale of all. Frame detective.

P: Go on...

E: OK, it turns out the guy who is in charge of frames found this old frame in the back of the store.

P: Unbelievable.

E: It gets better. He thinks ‘what was this frame for?”

P: But he’s the frame detective right, I bet he figures it out.

E: He sure does. He turns the frame around and on the front glued to the front of the frame is a label with the title of a painting.

P: Incredible… and?

E: He digs deep and puts two plus two together. Four! This has got to be the name of the painting that belongs to the frame.

P: Frame detective!

E: Exactly.

P: Awesome story. Incredible detective work. We should put it in the book.

And they did

One day in the kitchen

Parent 1: What the hell are we going to do for the birthday?

Parent 2: I thought you were going to take them to McDonalds?

P1: Not after last year I'm not. We still can’t walk past the place.

P2: How about a magician?

P1: And what is it about the last one letting that pigeon shit all over the living room you don’t remember?

P2: Oh, that’s right…and the kids didn’t respond that well did they?

P1: No, they did not. Who knew pigeons had so much stuff inside them?

P2: Ok then, how about a human statue? A human statue couldn’t cause much trouble.

P1: Let me think about that for a minute.

P2: No seriously, we could have a living cowboy statue just standing in the corner for the whole party. The kids could make faces at him and poke him and stuff.

P1: I’m not sure a cowboy would be so interesting. How about a James Bond-type woman painted gold?

P2: I was thinking more like a centurion or a character from Narnia or a mermaid. Even a Devil might be fun.

P1: Why not ask for a tree statue or a hobbit statue. Besides, it's all academic. I'm not sure you can even hire human statues.

But indeed you can.

One day in the TV studio

Director: Here’s your script, Mr. Dali

Dali: (reads) First it dissolves. Happy bubbles but devoted bubbles. The Alka-Seltzer shoots into the stomach. Here it neutralises the bad excess acid. Meanwhile this specially popular aspirin is speeding into your blood stream and places of pain so those beautiful places will feel beautiful again. Alka-Seltzer is a work of art. Truly one of a kind.

Director: OK?

Dali: Yes, it is good. I will make only one small change.

And he did.

One day in the offices of J C Crew

Manager: I’m loving the sales of shirts and tops and knitwear shawls but what the hell's going on down in the pant division?

S: They’re a tough sell. I think you'd be surprised at the number of people who don’t like things with two legs.

M: OK, I'm thinking niche. I’m getting some buzz  for instance that the art world is ready for its own pant. A pant that will speak for a new generation of individualists.

S: How about a radical cut-off short pant or maybe even a rugged jean?

M: Is there something about them all being women that you don’t understand?

S: Right. So it’s all about colour then.

M: Exactly. A colour will shout out ‘I CURATE”

S: Oh. Curators. Why didn’t you say so? A curator pant.

M: Absolutely

S: Assertive but not opinionated. Inclusive rather than selective.

M: Exactly.

S: In that case we’re talking lime green

And so they were.