Big Ears: at the Venice Biennale

OK it’s only the English speakers, but you get the idea.

“Is there WiFi? Is there WiFi? I need WiFi.”

“He could fall off a cliff and the art world would save him.”

“I definitely think the Caribbean is going to be the next big thing.”

“Are we nearly at the end?”
“No it’s another 22 minutes or so away”

“Look at the size of it! That’s embarrassing.”

“Have you been invited?”
“No.”
“Going?”
“Yes.”

“Man oh man, painted chainsaws....Cred.”

Woman (looking at the moving tree): “Did that tree just move?”
Man: “No.”
Woman: “Are you sure?”
Man: “Absolutely.”

“He’s a curator. French. Lives in Belgium but retains a home in France. In Belgium he has a wife and kids, in France he’s gay.”

“They wouldn't let you in without an invitation. Completely free of the riff-raff. "

Big Ears

We can’t make the Auckland Art Fair this year but we’re figuring things will be much as usual so here's the very best of Big Ears past.

"For someone who doesn't have one I guess it's ok."

“There’s a general problem with his art, that people don’t get it.”

"It's a reindeer and a towel. Everyone's excited."

“I said it was eight thousand bucks and he offered seven, so I told him ‘we’re not having this conversation.’”

“It was all fine until we had to deal with the artist.”

“He won’t be told, but he’s easily led.”

“Oh sure, he’s got lots of money, but can he make up his mind?”

“I’m just going to go over there and pat the dog.”

“I did like it. I liked it a lot, but in the end the paint was too thick.”

Big Ears

An ear to the ground at the Frieze Art Fair:

“You talk to them, they’ll talk to George and George, can get back to us via Gina. Then maybe we can do something.”

“All I can say is whatever you think of his collection it certainly works in dollar terms.”

Collector: “I’ve got one of those but I think it is a different size.”

Dealer: “Yes they do come in different sizes.”

Collector: “I don’t like that.”

A: “There aren’t any labels, so how do you know who did what?”

B: “If you don’t know who they’re by you can’t afford them.”

A: “Love your trousers.”

B: “Thank you, they’re green.”

A: “I noticed.”

A: “That guy is totally of the moment.”

B: “Who is he?”

A: “Can’t remember.”

A: “Is it just me or are things getting smaller and smaller and costing more and more?”

B: “Mostly you I think.”

A: “Well at least we’re not screwing anyone over and that’s a good thing. Right?”

B: (uncomfortable silence)

Collector: “I do so love Struth.”

Dealer: “Actually this one is by Wolfgang Tillmans.”

Collector: “Oh, I’m not so sure about Tillmans.”

Collector on the phone: “Where are you? Oh. Have you seen anything… me? …no… it’s all either too big or too blue.”

Letter perfect

All the acronyms you need to make it in the art world gathered by OTN operatives from a text/tweet trawl.

ILTS   I’m loving the space

BAY   Bought anything yet?

DDTW   Don’t drink the wine

IAOC  Intense application of chiaroscuro (rare)

ISON   I’m so over neon

ITAC   Is there a catalogue?

ITJW   Is that James Wallace?

WIN   What is next?

MYITBS Meet you in the bookstore

NS   Nice shoes

GG Great glasses

OP  Over priced

AYTTM Are you talkin' to me?

WIC   What’s it cost?

WIW  What’s it worth?

WTF   Who’s the friend?

YOLO  Your outfit looks oresome

Big Ears: omnibus edition

At the Basel Art Fair: 

“What’s the situation with that mark on the wall?” 

“That’s accidental. It was not made by the artist.” 

…

“I haven’t been able to get five minutes with Mark for years.” 

…

“I like to buy my art fast. Yesterday I bought a Dubuffet pretty fast.” 

… 

“So he was a dealer?” 

“Yes. He was very active for a while, but not active so much now.” 

“Not interesting then?” 

“Not interesting.” 

 … 

"Of course she ended up suing me.”

 …

 “Have you seen the Koons?” 

“No. Is it good?” 

“It’s Koons.” 

 … 

"We live next door to Leonardo DiCaprio. He lives with his mother. Did you know that?”

  … 

“Basel is just days without food and sleep so far as I’m concerned.” 

… 

“I said it was eight thousand bucks and he offered seven, so I told him ‘we’re not having this conversation.’” 

… 

“So he bought this Franz West sculpture and didn’t even know it came with a car. He thought he was just buying a group of sculptures. When they delivered it to him they said, ‘where do you want the car?’ Hard to believe huh!” 

“But true?” 

“But true.” 

… 

“I’m just going to go over there and pat the dog.”

Big ears

One day at the AAG:

“Let me tell you there are Picassos and Picassos and that is a Picasso.”

“Contemporary art still completely baffles me totally.”

“Same.”

“This is incredible”

“What is?”

“……This.”

“It is isn’t it.”

“It’s called ‘Boy with ponies’.

“He doesn’t look very happy.”

“He probably had to sit like that for hours.”

“Have you seen Danny?”

“He’s behind that E”

“Here’s the gift that guy gave us.”

“ What is it?”

“A model of the gallery.”

“Good thing they didn’t build it that small.”

Big ears

One day at the Auckland Art Fair

Dealer: Excuse me would you mind not touching the sculpture.

Woman in her sixties: why not?

D: Ah...you wouldn't touch a painting would you?

W: But it's not a painting.

D: Well you wouldn't touch a sculpture if it was in a museum. 

W: I would… so you'll have to do better than that, particularly when your sculpture is so tempting to touch.

D: Ok, so can I touch your breasts? So tempting. 

W: (outrage)

Thanks J

Big Ears: on the fly edition

“I ended up telling him I’d never even thought of having art in the laundry.”

Thanks J

Big Ears

 At the Auckland Art Fair.

“There’s a lot of psychological shit going on in this one.”

“When I see something I like I just stop.”

“Yes, that’s a great idea. That’s what I’m going to do.”

“If you text this number they bring you fruit juice.”

“Is that a shark’s mouth?”

“I don’t know but it’s got a better set of teeth than I have.”

“That’s amazing – all those rockets, and over there, is that a pair of glasses?”

“I think they belong to the dealer.”

“Oh, right.”

“Where can I put my glass?”

“Just don’t put it on an artwork.”

“I think I’ll hold onto it.”

Big ears

Was lending an ear during a docent tour of the Paul Thek survey exhibition at the Hammer Museum in Los Angeles.

“The artist wants you to bend down and get real close to the work, see the detail, feel the texture.”
“Can we touch it?”
“No.”

“Is this the Wednesday group?”
“No, it’s Tuesday.”

“If you look at the painting real close you can see much more than if you don’t.”

“There’s three more rooms to go.”
“Oh…”

“What does pink mean?”

Big Ears at Leviathan

"Why are those children dancing?"
"I don't know."
"They'd be better off learning arithmetic."

"Only the French could come up with something like this."

"It has a built in echo, just like St. Peters. Only it's red."

"Who made it?"
"Hamish Kapoor"

Big ears at the Venice Biennale

“I’ve been to Iraq and it was just like this.”

A: “Are you going to go back in there?”

B: “No. It’s just a whole lot of little rooms, one after the other.”

A: “I know what you mean. I hate little rooms.”

“I totally lost it with the children this morning. I said, ‘Look, I’m in a queue at the Venice Biennale, I don’t have time for this.’”

“We definitely went to the worst party last night”

“It’s amazing. You match the parts of the face and if you get a baby they give you a prize.”

"Who did it?”

“No idea.”

“Oh sure, he’s got lots of money, but can he make up his mind?”

“I’d be a lot happier if I knew where I was.”

“Let’s time it and if nothing has moved by midday we’ll go. Nothing’s worth more than a half hour wait.”

Big ears

“Stand in front of that painting and I’ll take your photo…(pause) … not that in front."

“Don’t touch that please sir.”
“I didn’t touch it.”
“Well just don’t look like you’re touching it.”

"Those (Koons sculpture) aren’t plastic, they’re metal.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m one hundred percent sure.”
“Where’s the label?”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“Not much.”

(Looking at a Warhol Rorschach painting)
“I can see Jesus…the real Jesus.”
“I don’t see anything.”

“If he was wearing shoes I’m sure they would have put it on the label.”

“She shouldn’t run like that in the gallery."
“Yes she can, art is for everyone.”

"That’s fairly bizarre.”
“There’s more bizarre over here.”

Son and ear

stimulusresponse has just published this drawing based on a Basel Big Ears first published here on OTN. Click on image to enlarge

Bigger ears

Day 2 at the Basel Art Fair

“So I took them upstairs and sold it to them there. It was soooo much easier.”

Dealer: “Jenny is drawing at the moment.”

Collector: “Oh… that’s a shame.”

“You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. Your work is a B-. This is definitely a B+”

Dealer 1: “That’s interesting.”

Dealer 2: “Very interesting.”

Dealer 1: “Interesting enough?”

Dealer 2: “No.”

“I’m kicking myself for selling the Warhol too soon.”

Dealer: “I’m afraid they have all been sold.”

Collector: “All of them?”

Dealer: “All of them.”

Collector: (pause) “What about that one?”

Big ears

At Art Basel...

Astonished collector: “This price. Are you serious?”

Dealer: “As a clam.”

“…and the question I ask is, ‘Why this skull? Why that skull?’ ”

Visitor: “But I just want to take a photo of the label, not the art. Art is not the same thing.”

Guard: “No photos.”

“But we don’t have the sort of money you need to buy that sort of art.”

“What sort of money do you need?”

“Lots.”

“If I buy the video do I get to have the projector as well?”

“You can have the screen and chairs if you want to pay for them.”

Collector on phone (screaming) “But does it say Monet on the back?”

Practice makes perfect

Students describe the benefits of attending Auckland University’s Elam Art School on the University web site.

... to develop my artistic practice

I plan to work as a practising artist

... a rich and resourceful environment for artistic research, development and practice

I plan to articulate my practice

... enrich my work as a contemporary practitioner of painting and installation.

I plan to continue my work as a practising artist

... because it is relatively close to home, as well as the people and the content that has informed my practice

Proud

This riff on one of OTN's Big Ears posts by the celebrated cartoon artist Pippin Barr. You can see more of Mr. Barr's work on his website stimulus/response

Big Ears Part 2

At that Fair again.

Man on phone "Well, if you could just remember which one you liked, then I could go buy it for you...."
Thanks C

Big Ears

Overheard in the aisles at the Auckland Art Fair.

“What are you doing?”
“I’m transfixed.”

“I can’t believe they’ve opened the Art Fair on the first day of the duck shooting season.”

“He’s young.”
“How young?”
“Cheap young.”

“It looks like a stock show.”
“Is that bad?”

“She says it’s too big but he said that’s the way he likes them.”

“It was all fine until we had to deal with the artist.”

“They say they’re selling everything.”
“Everything?”
“Well everything they don’t like.”